Chapter Six

After getting settled, the girls gathered on the deck and spread out. Hath stretched out on a chaise, Catte and Willow took up in the comfortable, cushy chairs at the table, jumping to help when Steph stepped out with a tray of drinks and snacks.

“’Ritas all around, except for Wils.” She handed her an interesting looking purple concoction.

“What’s this?” She looked at the glass skeptically.

Stephanie set the snacks on the table and sat down in one of the chairs. “Don’t look so worried. It’s grape Gatorade.”

Wils frowned. “You all get adult beverages and I get Gatorade? That’s not fair.”

Steph laughed at her friend’s pouty face. “Just try it.”

She was still unsure. “I don’t know.”

Steph rolled her eyes to the sky. “Trust me. You’ll like it. Promise.”

Wils took a sip. Then another. “Oh man, that’s good.”

Steph nodded. “I told you.” She looked over at Catte and Hath. “How are the ‘ritas?”

They each took long draws from their drinks. “Delicious!”

The woman chatted easily, laughed about their afternoon and the frantic tweets that followed, all the while filling Stephanie in on all she had missed during the last year.

“Wait, you’re telling me that they’re still on tour?” Steph couldn’t believe they were still going.

Hath nodded. “Yup. Right through July next year so they say.”

“Wow.” She sat back in her chair. She had thought they’d be long done by now and sleeping for a month or pursuing other projects. She smiled slightly, “Richie sure looked good today, didn’t he?”

That comment brought on more talk of their encounter with the tall, dark and outrageously flirtatious guitarist they had run into that afternoon.

“He seemed to take an instant liking to you” Wils said, nudging Steph with her elbow.

She shook her head. “You’re imagining things.”

Catte and Hath both shook their heads. “He even said he liked you.”

“That’s just because Hath’s smartass rubbed off on me and I didn’t know what I was saying.”

Catte nudged her elbow, “he even called you ‘sweetheart’.”

Steph held up her hands, “stop, just stop. No way does he like me. There are a million other women for him to chase around California. He was just being nice.” She rose and headed toward the house. No way was she going to let herself think about that. It wasn’t what she wanted anyway. “Anyone else need a refill?”

The girls watched their friend walk into the house. “What was that about?” Catte and Willow turned to look at Hath. Surely she would know what was going on with their friend.

Hath watched through the window as Stephanie moved about the kitchen; she had known her longer than Catte and just slightly longer than Wils, but even she didn’t understand why her friend was acting like this. Any one of them would have given her right arm to have Richie look at them twice. They needed to get Steph talking and find out what was going on with her. “I don’t know, but we need to find out.” She looked to the door again. “Here she comes.”

Steph set the pitcher of margaritas on the table and handed Willow a second glass and sat back down in her chair and sighed. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Talk to us” they said. “What’s going on with you?” They were all concerned.

Steph sipped her drink. “Did I tell you guys why I moved out here?”

Three heads shook ‘no’ in unison. “Other than starting a new job, no. Why did you move out here?” She had them all curious now.

Stephanie stood and moved restlessly to the railing, looking unseeingly out over the backyard before turning to face her friends.

“You can’t begin to imagine what it was like. You saw how I was after the funeral, before you all left. It didn’t get much better.” She leaned back against the railing and looked at Willow. 

“You mentioned earlier how skinny I am and you asked me where the rest of me was. I wasn’t lying when I answered you. I left 55 pounds of me back in New York. I had days were I just wouldn’t eat, didn’t remember too, wasn’t hungry. My appetite was shot and when I did remember too or thought I was hungry, I would only get a bite or two down before I just couldn’t swallow another forkful. I survived on hot tea and bottled water most days.”

Stephanie paced slowly between the table and the railing. Her shadow long across the deck floor in the early evening light.

“My whole life had been wrapped up in Mark and Ben. Mark and I started dating when we were 16. Sixteen! I was with him more than half my life. And Ben, he was just on the cusp of adolescence. Barely 13. He was supposed to have his whole life ahead of him. Not have it stolen away by some stupid over-tired truck driver. How was I supposed to keep living my life when the best parts of it were gone?”

The girls had gone quiet, watching and listening to the pain and grief pour out of their friend.

“I did though. Sort of. I just went through the motions. I got up in the morning, went to work, came home. I don’t think I felt anything for those first few months. I must have been on autopilot or something. I really don’t remember much other than the long quiet evenings with no laughter, no inane questions to answer, no homework to check, nothing. Just utter silence.” She paused, swiping at a tear with the back of her hand. “The quiet is the worst.”

“But, with my family, friends and a really good therapist, I started to feel again, started to think about making some changes. I knew I couldn’t stay in that house, it was just too hard, the memories we had made there, good and bad, were overwhelming. Some days I felt as though I would drown from them. So, after I got the settlement from the trucking company, I did things that they say you shouldn’t do during the first year after a great tragedy. I quit my job and put my house up for sale. My family thought I was nuts, but I needed to get out of there. If I was ever going to get back to some kind of normal, I had to get away for a while. So, here I am, 3000 miles from everyone and everything I knew, trying to find my way again. Alone.”

She heaved in a breath. “I haven’t ever been alone. I’m not sure I know how, but I’m trying. That’s part of the reason I can’t even think about Richie liking me. Not that I don’t think he was just being nice in saying that and didn’t really mean it. But, I need to learn how to be me. Besides, I’m not even sure I want another guy. For 20 years I was married to the best man I knew, where could I possibly go from there?”

She sat back, emotionally spent, and was immediately surrounded by her friends. Someone pressed a napkin in her hand and she wiped her eyes as they hugged. With a final sniff she pressed back. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I invited you guys out here to have fun, not depress you all.”

Hath, Catte and Willow sat back down and wiped their own faces. “We’re your friends; we’re here for you, whatever you need.”

Stephanie nodded. “I know and I love you for it, but now, let’s plan some fun for the next couple of days, okay?”