Chapter Ninety-Four

Pushing her suitcase in ahead of her, she let the door go and as it closed behind her she dropped down onto the bed.  Another hotel bed.  Her shoulders sagged and her head fell forward.  Depression mixed with exhaustion had her flopping back, bouncing against the hard mattress.  Her arm covered her eyes.  What was she doing?

The plane ride from Portugal had been interminable.  The strain between her and Richie had increased tenfold when they had deplaned in Newark and she had gotten into a car to head toward Philadelphia and away from him.  Now, here she was in New York and he was on his way back to California. 

What was wrong with her?  Why couldn’t she just say yes like any normal person would have?  Why did she have to make things so difficult?

Rolling to her side she curled her legs up and stared out the window.  It shouldn’t be this hard to say, “yes Richie, I’d love to move in with you.”  But it was.  Pushing herself up, she stood and crossed to the window.  She couldn’t help but remember the last time she had been here, standing in this same spot and Richie had come up behind her, wrapped his arms around her and made her feel better with just a simple embrace and a few well-chosen words.   Now he was 3000 miles away and she’d have to fix this herself.

But how?

Sighing, she rubbed her gritty eyes.  Sleep had not been her friend on the ridiculously long flight from Lisbon.  Too much going on in her head to be able to rest.  She had sat up most of the flight, trying to read on her Kindle, listening to music, anything to try to distract herself from the war going on in her head. 

She turned from the window and stalked to her suitcase.  She needed a shower.  Maybe that would help her relax enough to get a couple hours of sleep.  She caught her reflection in the mirror over the dresser.  The bruises under her eyes were so dark it looked like she had been in another fight.  Her face was drawn and wan.  No way could she go see Mark’s parents looking like this.  Digging in her purse she found her phone.  There was one person she could see though.  One person who might be able to help her figure out what the hell she should do.

Scrolling through her contacts, she found the number she was looking for.   She pressed the phone icon and waited. 

“Hello?”

“Hi Jess, it’s me.  Are you home?”  Her sister would be able to help her figure out this mess she had made.  She hoped.

“Yep, I am.  Where are you?  Still in Europe?”  She had been more than a little jealous and a whole lot happy for her sister being able to travel like that.

Stephanie shook her head, “no, I’m here in town.  Can I come over?”

“Absolutely!  And why didn’t you let anyone know you were coming home?”

Stephanie rubbed her eyes again.  “It was as last minute decision and I just need to talk to you about something.”  She inhaled deeply.  “Please don’t let anyone else know I’m here, okay?”  The last thing she needed was her whole family knowing she was in town and having a meltdown. 

Sensing her sister’s distress, Jess tamped down the enthusiasm.  “Sure, I won’t say anything.  When will you be here?”

“I’m going to shower and change.  I should be there in a couple hours.”  She disconnected the call and grabbed her things.  The sooner she talked to her sister, the sooner she’d be able to breathe comfortably again.

~

Putting the car in park she stared at her sister’s house.  Nothing felt the same.  Nothing felt like it fit quite right.  She sighed and stepped out of the car.  Did she even belong here anymore?  She stopped halfway up the walk when her sister came to the door. 

“There you are.”  Jess came out the door and pulled Stephanie in for a hug.  “I was beginning to think I imagined that whole conversation and you weren’t really coming over.”

“Sorry” Stephanie muttered as she returned the embrace.  There was the familiarity she was looking for.  “It took longer than I expected to make myself presentable.  I just got in from Lisbon this morning.”

The girls headed into the house.  It was quiet for a summer Saturday afternoon.  “Where is everyone?”

Jess led her out to the deck where she had a bottle of Skinny Girl open and a plate of snacks waiting.  “The guys are working and Marissa is at a friend’s house.”  They settled in the cushy chairs and Jess took a sip of her drink.  “So, how’s Richie?  And how was Europe?”

Stephanie pushed her sunglasses up on her head before picking up her drink and taking a sip.  “Europe was unbelievable.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed it.”  Until one random phone call and one disastrous conversation with Richie and I ruined everything. 

Jess eyed her sister.  She looked awful.  If those shadows under her eyes were any darker, she have a beaut of a shiner.  “So why do you look like you’ve been pulled through the wringer sideways?”

Stephanie grimaced.  “That bad, really?”

Jess nodded, “if I didn’t know better, I’d swear someone punched you in both eyes.  When was the last time you slept?”

Stephanie shrugged.  “I don’t know.  The last few days are kind of a blur right now.”

“And you didn’t answer my question about Richie.”

“I know.  I think he’s okay.  I’m not sure.  I haven’t talked to him since I left him at the airport.”

Jess took a thoughtful sip from her glass.  “Tell me what happened.”

The afternoon waned as the girls talked and Jess sat up straighter the closer Stephanie got to the end of her tale.  “So, when Richie found out about the issue with my house and the fact that I’d have to find somewhere else to live, he asked me to live with him.”  She paused and took a long pull from her glass. 

“And?”  Jess knew there had to be more coming.

Stephanie slumped back against her chair, “I kinda freaked a little and told him I didn’t think I was ready for that.”  She blew out a tired breath.  “Things haven’t been quite right between us since.”

Jess pursed her lips.  “Why don’t you think you’re ready?”

Pushing her chair back, Stephanie stood and paced the length of the deck.  “It’s so fast, Jess.  Everything has been happening so fast.”  She turned and looked at her sister.  “Nothing felt the same on my way over here today.  Nothing felt right, like it used to.”  She couldn’t stop the flow of words running from her mouth.  “This has always been home, but after Mark and Ben I needed a change and moving to California gave me the time and space I needed to regroup and find myself again.  I made a new home there and now that’s gone.  So, I have no home here, no home there.  And I’m a freaking basket case about moving in with Richie.  Where does that leave me?  She sat back down at the table.  “Where the hell does that leave me?” she repeated quietly.

Jess reached across the table and gave her sister’s had a comforting squeeze.  “You know, people say home is where your heart is.”  She looked Stephanie in the eye, “fast or not, where is your heart, sweetie?”  Before Stephanie could blurt out an answer, Jess rushed on, “and don’t just say here because we’re all here, think about it for a minute.”

Stephanie closed her eyes and when she realized what Jess was saying they popped open.  Could it really be that easy?  “Oh my God.  I am such an idiot.”  She looked around, “where did I leave my purse?  I need my phone.”  She needed to call Richie, needed to book a flight to Los Angeles as soon as possible. 

Jess kept a hold of her hand, “you need food and a good night’s sleep first.  Then you can make your calls.”

She pulled her hand from Jess’s, “I at least have to call Richie.  He and Ava are going to Tahoe and I want to talk to him before he leaves.”  She disappeared inside the house to find her purse.

~

Closing the door, she set toed off her shoes and carried her bag through the foyer and up the stairs.  Dropping her stuff in her room she wandered down the hall, coming to a stop in front of the lone closed door.  She knocked tentatively before quietly opening the door.

He lay across the wide bed, the sheets rumpled around him and one of the pillows was on the floor.  He was restless even in sleep.  She tiptoed across the room.  “Dad?!”  A small hand reached out and shook a bare shoulder.  “Dad, wake up.”

“Hmm” he snuffled and burrowed deeper into the bed. 

She shook him again, “DAD!”

His eyes flew open and his whole body jerked awake.  “Ava, what the hell are you doing?”  He was supposed to pick her up tomorrow or the day after, once he could figure out what day today was.  That was his and Heather’s routine.  He’d get back from being on tour and she’d give him a couple days to get re-oriented and then he’d have Ava for however long he wanted.  What the hell was she doing here now? He’d only been home for a day.

“I just wanted to let you know I was here.”  Her pretty smile turned into a frown.  “I thought you’d be happy to see me.”

He rubbed a hand over his face, cleared the grit from his eyes.  “I am baby girl, you just caught me by surprise.”  He sat up, “I thought I was picking you up in a couple days.”

She shrugged, “mom had stuff to do, somewhere to go.  I told her to just drop me off here.  I hope that’s okay.”

He reached out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her close to the bed and kissed the side of her head.  “You know it is.  You ready for our trip to Lake Tahoe?”

She nodded, “yeah, so is Kelly.   Thanks for letting me invite her along.”  She cocked her head to the side, “is Stephanie coming?”

Richie shifted his legs under the blankets.  “No, not this time.”  He couldn’t help but wonder for the thousandth time if she was going to call him sometime soon.  This not knowing was killing him. 

“Why not?”  Ava thought they had a good thing going.  And she liked this woman.

“We’ve hit a bit of a rough spot and she’s trying to figure some things out.  She’s not even here in California right now.”

“Where is she?”

Richie sighed.  “She stopped off in New York to visit her family.  She’s supposed to call me when she gets back.”

“Oh” Ava’s voice was quiet.  “I like her, Dad.  You’ve got to fix this.”

If only it was that easy.  He shooed Ava out of the room and got up, crossing to the bathroom.   He couldn’t make Stephanie do anything.  He could only hope that she came to her senses and made the only decision that would make them both happy.

With both hands braced on the vanity, he stared at his reflection in the mirror.  It had only been a day since he had seen her and he missed her already.  He had done the right thing, giving her the time and space she seemed so desperate for, right? 

 
With a sigh he turned on the water and reached for his toothbrush, never hearing the buzzing of his phone on the night table.

Chapter Ninety-Three

...I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

 

Well, I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

 

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

 

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

 

No, I won't give up...

Stephanie sat back and watched Richie get ready. Things had been strained between them since their conversation the day before. He had left for dinner and she had spent the hours turning things over in her head a thousand different ways. She came up with the same answer every time. She just didn’t think she was ready to live with him full time. He didn’t understand her reluctance. He couldn’t see how it would be all that different from what they had been doing for the last month.

 

Neither of them was willing to budge.

 

Closing her eyes, she rubbed her temples with her fingers, trying to stem the headache that was brewing and hoping find a way to ease the tension between them. It was uncomfortable, like the wool sweater her grandmother had knit for her when she had been just a little girl. Scratchy and hot, not at all comfortable against her skin. She wanted to take it off and breathe freely. There had to be a compromise, a layer of soft cotton to protect against the itchy wool. She just had to find it. Had to make him see it.

 

Hearing movement around her, she opened her eyes and found Richie standing in front of her. He was dressed in his concert clothes, the deep red, White Trash Beautiful sleeveless tee showed off his strong tanned arms and the tattoos that she had traced a million times. “You look good, Rich.”

 

He smiled, “thanks. You gonna come out front tonight?” He made no move to touch her, still hurt from her rejection of his offer. He was ready to move forward and she wasn’t. There really wasn’t much else to say. He wasn’t going to push her if she wasn’t ready, but he also wasn’t going to pretend it didn’t bother him either. “You ready to go?”

 

She rose from the couch and straightened her shirt. “Of course. I’m ready if you are.”

 

He turned and grabbed his jacket off the back of a chair. “After you,” he opened the door and ushered her out ahead of him.

 

They walked together toward the common area, neither saying a word to the other. She drifted to a corner, out of the way of the pre-show chaos, letting her eyes and mind wander. She didn’t want this to be the end for them, but he wasn’t giving any indication that he would give, even a little. And was this issue really a deal breaker? Just because she wouldn’t move in with him? They hadn’t even been dating for a whole year yet. It seemed kind of fast to her. But maybe that was how things worked now?

 

She blew out the breath she had been holding. She just didn’t know. She had gone from being single and living with her parents to being married and living with Mark. It was all she had known. Living in her own was new to her. And she kind of liked having her own space. She frowned. It wouldn’t be her space for much longer though. Dammit.

 

“Hey.”

 

She was so lost in her own head that she hadn’t even noticed Jon sidle up next to her. “Hi, Jon.”

She hadn’t come to dinner with them last night and he couldn’t help but notice that she and his wingman weren’t attached at the hip today. He hadn’t missed the fact that they hadn’t said two words to each other since walking into the room either. “You and him okay?”

 

She looked up, catching Richie’s eye over his shoulder. “Yeah, we’re fine.”

 

Jon looked at her, turned his head to look at Richie and turned back to her. “Liar. I can see you two aren’t fine.”

 

“Honestly, Jon, we’re okay. We can’t be happy-go-lucky all the time. It’s just something we have to figure out.”

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

She shook her head, sadly, slowly, “no, not really.”

 

Paul called to him from across the room. “I gotta go talk to him. But the offer stands. You wanna talk, I’ll listen.”

 

“Thanks” she said as he turned to leave.

 

She surveyed the room, her eyes landing once again on Richie.

 

He caught her watching him and the corner of his mouth lifted in an easy half smile and he winked at her. She hadn’t pushed him so far away that he wasn’t going to come back, but it was going to take a little work on her end to get them back on even footing. He had been more than patient with her right from the start. He would be patient again, he could wait her out, but she was going to have to come to him when she figured out what she truly wanted. He looked at her again. What he knew she wanted. But, he wasn’t going to chase her this time. No, she was going to have to do the chasing this time.

 

A hand landed on his shoulder. “You alright man?” Jon stood next to his friend, watching him watch his girl. “What’s going on with you two?”

 

“Let’s call it a difference of opinion” Richie said as they moved to the table laden with food and drink. He picked up a green solo cup and filled it with club soda, added a lime wedge.

“And lemme guess,” Jon said as he added water to his own cup, “you’re avoiding each other because neither of you want to admit to being wrong.”

 

Richie smirked. “Nah. More like one of us needs to come to terms with what she knows she wants, but she just can’t see it yet.”

 

Jon’s eyebrows beetled together in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Richie explained the situation, what was going on with Stephanie’s house and why they weren’t exactly on even footing at the moment. “When I asked her to move in with me, the wall went up and she kind of freaked out. She wants to be with me. I know she wants to be with me. I know she knows she wants to be with me. She just needs to figure that out for herself. I can’t force her see it so I’m backing off a little, giving her the time she says she needs to think things through.”

 

Jon took a long draught from his cup and looked between the two of them again. “Well, as long as you’re sure you know what you’re doing, let’s talk about tonight’s show.”

 

~

 

The show was beyond anything she could have ever imagined. The set list was one for the ages. When Jon pulled out It’s Hard Letting You Go her emotions nearly got the better of her. She so wasn’t in the right frame of mind for a song like that. She nearly tripped over herself when they launched into I Believe. And when they brought out This Ain’t A Love Song, the tears she had held at bay won the battle and she wasn’t entirely sure she’d make it to the end of the show. By the time the guys took their final bows, she was a hot, sweaty mess. And emotionally? She was beyond wrecked. She needed a shower and straight eight before she would be able to put a coherent thought together again.

 

She followed the group of sweaty, exhausted and exhilarated men to the line of supposedly innocuous black sedans. They made their way back to the hotel and to an after party of epic proportions. She managed to get a glass of wine and stuck to the fringed edges of the crowd. The guys were at the four corners of the room, each involved in a lively conversation. Richie’s head tipped back as laughter roared out of him. She couldn’t help but smile. He had a great laugh. She took the last mouthful of her wine and set the empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter. Looking toward his corner she caught his eye. He winked and she gave him a little smile and indicated that she was going to head to their room.

 

He moved across the room to her, “you okay?”

 

She nodded. “Yeah, just worn out. I’m gonna go up and shower and crawl into bed.”

 

He pressed his lips to her forehead, wanting to do more, but wanting to stick to his guns about letting her make the decision. “I’ll be up soon.”

 

“Okay” she nodded and made her way toward the elevators.

 

Closing the door to their room, she leaned against it, weary beyond words. She wandered the room, finding it hard to believe that this was it. The last night they’d spend together until…she didn’t know when. She made her way to her suitcase and pulled out her nightshirt.

Why couldn’t she make the decision he wanted?

 

She stepped into the bathroom and turned the shower on. It should be an easy one, shouldn’t it?

She pulled off her sweaty concert clothes and stepped into the steamy spray, unaware that she had an audience.

 

Richie stood in the doorway, watching. She had looked so damn sad when she left the party he couldn’t stand it. He had to make sure she was okay, despite his resolve to leave her alone and not pressure her. Now, she was naked and wet in his shower. He closed his eyes to gather himself and when he opened them again, she had her head tipped back and the water was sluicing over her, wetting her hair, hugging her body.

 

He pulled off his clothes and added them to the pile on the floor. Just how much resolve was a man supposed to have when a beautiful, naked woman was in his shower? He eased the door open and stepped in behind her.

 

Feeling the draft of cool air, she pulled her head up and opened her eyes. “Richie?” Her voice was soft and full of emotion. What was he doing here?

 

“Let me help you” his voice was as quiet as hers. He didn’t wait for her to answer. He picked up her shampoo and poured a healthy amount into the palm of his hand. He slowly worked the lather through her thick, dark tresses, massaging her scalp, trying to knead away her tension.

She didn’t have the energy to make him stop and, honestly, she didn’t want to. Tipping her head back, she let the spray drag the suds from her hair. She needed this closeness with him. Whatever might happen.

 

Reaching for another bottle, Richie squeezed a dollop of her conditioner into his hand. Rubbing them together he worked the cream through her hair. He nearly gave in to his urge to hold her when she blinked those big, sad kaleidoscope eyes up at him. She had killer eyes.

 

Taking a fortifying breath he found her nylon puff and squirted her shower gel onto it. Her sensual, woodsy orchid scent assailed his senses. That smell would haunt him to his dying day. The heat of the shower added a layer of warmth to the musky floral scent and he was sure he was going to lose the fight to stay neutral with her.

 

Picking up her hand he started with her fingers, weaving his in between hers. Palm to palm he raised her arm gently, using the puff to caress her skin lightly, slowly making his way up her arm, over the sensitive, tissue-thin skin of her wrist, along soft skin at the inside of her elbow. He gently washed one creamy shoulder and along the top of her chest, making his way to her other arm. He swallowed heavily when he glanced down her body. Her skin bore a pretty, rosy flush and her nipples were tight and begging for his attention.

 

He closed his eyes, determined not to take her in the shower. His body wasn’t listening. He was never going to make it through this shower. Letting her hand go, he nudged her to turn her back to him. He swallowed back a groan as he let his gaze roam down to her ass and back. The gentle slope of her lower back had to be his kryptonite. It had been his undoing from the moment he saw her in one very memorable gold dress.

 

He was never going to make it through this shower.

 

Stephanie dropped her head forward as he continued to gently run her soapy puff over her skin. Tears mingled with the water from the shower that ran down her face. He was being so nice to her. She risked a glance at him over her shoulder. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavy. Her eyes slid from his face, following the rivulets of water that ran down his body. They widened at the sight of his cock hanging hard and heavy between his legs. She licked her lips. If nothing else, she’d definitely take care of him before they went their separate ways the next day. As fast as that thought came, it was gone when she felt his fingers instead of the nylon against her skin.

 

Wordlessly, her eyes flew to his. He couldn’t hide his desire for her. It glowed in the dark depths of his eyes, it leached out of him with every harsh breath he took.

Turning to face him, she waited, wondering what he was going to do.

 

Giving up, the fight, he pulled her under the pulsing spray with him, his lips skimmed her forehead, her cheeks before hungrily devouring her mouth. “I can’t do this Sweetheart” he murmured against her lips. “I need you too much to keep my distance.”

 

“I need you too” she managed between heated kisses.

 

Taking a step, then another, he pressed her against the cool tile of the shower stall. This wouldn’t change anything, but he couldn’t let her go, even if it was only for a little while, without having her one last time. Dipping his head he sucked one rosy nipple into his mouth as his hand traveled down her side and between her legs and shoved her mercilessly to the jagged edge of that first peak.

 

She cried out and he released her nipple. “Again” was all he said before he latched on to her other breast and she writhed against the wall.

 

He was relentless, pushing her higher until she cried out again. Before she could fully recover, he lifted her, burying himself inside her in one swift thrust. Her muscles pulsed around him and hugged him tight. For long moments he didn’t move. He pressed his body to hers, his mouth traveled up and down her neck, sipping and nipping a path from earlobe to the gentle curve of her shoulder.

 

Stephanie angled her head to give him better access and wrapped her legs around his waist. Gripping his shoulders, she shifted, undulating against him. Turning her head, their mouths met and she nipped his bottom lip. “Move” she pleaded.

 

Bracing one hand on the wall, he wrapped his other around her waist and gave her what she asked for.

 

Several heart stopping moments later, her head dropped forward to rest on his shoulder as she slumped against him, utterly spent. She could feel him trembling still from the force of his release. Turning her head, she rested her cheek against his warm skin. His heartbeat strong and not so steady in her ear. Was she really going to be able walk away from him, from this, even for a little while?

 

The arm around her waist loosened and he eased back from her, steadying her as her feet found the floor. A gentle nudge had her under the now lukewarm spray of the shower. Quickly she washed and stepped out of the shower, giving him time and room to do the same.

She had just re-tucked her towel around herself and was combing out her hair when he stepped out. Without a word he dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist before reaching around her for her bottle of lotion. He was torturing himself, touching her and lingering here with her, but he wanted her to know just what she would be missing if she didn’t choose to be with him.

 

He worked the lotion into her skin, down her arms and along her shoulders. Keeping his eyes on hers in the mirror, he loosened the towel and let it fall between them. Another dollop of lotion was smoothed along her back, those long fingers massaging and easing the well-used muscles.

Dropping to his knees behind her, he took his time along the small of her back. He couldn’t help but smirk at the goose bumps that broke out along her skin at his touch. If she would just give in to what he knew she wanted…he shook his head, she’d have to come to that decision on her own. He just hoped he was helping nudge her in the right direction. A soft press of his lips to the gentle dip of her lower back and he moved on, gently caressing her lotion over her thighs and down her legs.

 

Standing, he set the bottle back on the counter. Her breathing was none to steady and her grip on the edge of the counter looked painful. Watching her in the mirror he reached for her nightshirt and pulled it over her head. Taking her hand, he led her from the bathroom and helped her into the bed. Dropping his towel, he crawled in next to her.

 

She waited until he settled and then she snuggled up next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I can’t give you the answer you want” she told him quietly.

 

Turning his head, he brushed his lips against her hair. “You said you needed time, I can’t fault you for that.”

 

She closed her eyes andlistened to his heart beat. “I’m going to stop and see my family on the way back. Are you going right home?” Her fingers found his forearm under the sheets. She dragged her nails lightly through the light smattering of hair there.

 

The light touch had his blood humming. “I am. Ava and I always go on vacation after I finish a tour. We’ve got ten days in Tahoe coming up.”

 

“Oh, that sounds nice” she nearly whispered. She felt a wave of disappointment at not being invited. But with all that was going on between them, she wasn’t really surprised.

 

When she didn’t say anymore, he gave her a light and hopefully reassuring squeeze. “You just get some sleep now, sweetheart. We have a long travel day ahead of us tomorrow.”

*I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz