Twenty-Nine

Sleep had not come easy.  Even after talking with Richie and being in the comfort of her parent’s house she tossed and turned for most of the night.  Would she ever get a straight eight again? With a sigh of disgust she shoved the blankets back, grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom.

Wandering into the kitchen she found her father sitting at the table with the newspaper, her mother puttering around with preparations for later in the day.  She made a bee-line for the coffee pot.  “Morning” she mumbled as she pecked her mother on the cheek.  Adding sugar to her cup she sat opposite her father at the table and picked at a piece of danish she had snagged from the plate.

“Dad?”

He looked up from the paper, “what?”

“Can I borrow the car for a little bit this morning?”  She wanted, needed to go to the cemetery.

“Sure honey, but I can take you anywhere you want to go.”

Stephanie shook her head.  “I want to go to the cemetery this morning, by myself.  But thanks for offering.”

“Okay.  The keys are on the hook by the back door.”

Stephanie got up and put her cup in the dishwasher before hugging her father from behind.  “Thanks, dad.”

He patted her hand.  “You sure you want to go alone?  Your mother and I will go with you if you want us to.”

She looked at her mother, back at her father and then took a step toward the hall closet.  “I really need to do this alone.  I’ll be okay.”  She pulled on her coat and grabbed her boots from the tray by the door.  “I’ll be back before everyone gets here.”  She snagged her purse and the bag she had set by the chair in the family room and headed toward the garage before she could change her mind.  This really was something she needed to do on her own.

The cemetery was quiet this Christmas Eve morning.  She crept slowly around the winding lane, looking for the spot.  She had buried her guys under a tree; Mark hadn’t been a fan of the hot, summer days and she had figured the shady spot would be a good final resting place for him and Ben.

Buttoning up her coat and tightening her scarf, Stephanie grabbed the bag off the passenger seat and stepped out of her father’s car.  Carefully picking her way across the ice and snow, she stopped at the stone under the big, old oak tree.  For several long moments she just stood and stared at it, silently railing at God and the universe for her loss and the huge hole it had left in her heart.

Setting the bag down, she brushed the snow off the top and front of the double stone.  “Hi guys” she whispered.  “I bet you thought I forgot all about you.”  Crouching, she sniffled and brushed at the snow around the base of the stone.   She kept up a running stream of quiet conversation, “I didn’t forget.  I could never forget you.”  

She wiped her face with the sleeve of her coat.  “I sold the house.”  Standing she dug in her pocket for a tissue.  “I had to” she continued quietly.  “I couldn’t stand being there without you guys.”  She dropped to her knees.  “I moved to California.  I know that’s a long way from New York, but I needed the change of scenery.”   

Snow started to gently fall as she knelt there.  “I met someone” she murmured.   Her tears fell unheeded as she quietly poured out her heart to the man she had once loved so completely.  “He’s a good guy.”  She sniffed again before finally admitting, “I really like him.  A lot.”  Her guilt eased as she knelt there, her heart felt a little less heavy as she spoke. 

A car crept along the lane.  Stephanie blew her nose, drew in a shuddering breath and picked up the bag.  “I brought you something.  Not a wreath, I don’t know when I’ll get back here again and I didn’t want a Christmas wreath out here at Easter time.”  The rustle of the bag echoed in the quiet as she pulled the two items out.  “Besides, I’m pretty sure you’ll like these much better.”

Digging into the hard ground she managed to make two small holes.  In the first hole she put the Yankee pennant.  A generic football pennant went into the second hole.  She had them specially made with weatherproof material to withstand the elements.  “I know the football one is kind of plain, but if you two could have liked the same team it would have been much easier to pick one.” Mark had loved the Dallas Cowboys and Ben had been a New York Giants fan.  They had both loved the game, but couldn’t agree on the same team.

She stayed on her knees, quietly murmuring to Mark and Ben until the cold and wet seeped through the legs of her jeans.  Picking up the empty bag she rose to her feet.  She didn’t want to cry anymore, but it seemed the tears just wouldn’t stop.  “I don’t know when I’ll be back.”  She mopped her face with her soggy tissue.  “But know I loved you both so very much.  I’ll always carry you in my heart.”

Climbing back into her father’s car she sat for just a moment and looked over to the stone one last time.  Starting the car she turned the heater on and let it thaw her cold, wind-chapped cheeks.  As she drove slowly along the winding lane toward the entrance to the cemetery she felt more at peace than she had in nearly two years.

~

Holding her glass of wine Stephanie listened to the commotion at the front door.  Her sister and brother-in-law and the kids had finally arrived.  Her brother and sister-in-law and their girls had arrived an hour before and the girls’ excitement could be heard throughout the house. 

When a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind, she rested her head against her sister’s.  After her emotional morning, it was a comfort to have her family around her.  “Hey you.  How are you?”

Jess gave her a squeeze.  “I’m good skinny girl.”  She turned Stephanie around to face her.  “You look amazing.  California seems to be agreeing with you.”

Stephanie hugged Jess and walked with her toward the kitchen and the bottle of wine.  “You need to come out and check out California for yourself.  I’m not sorry I moved.”  She hesitated saying anything more and watched while her sister filled her wine glass.

Jess looked at her while she took a sip of the deep red cabernet.  “What?  You look like you’ve got more to say.”

Stephanie took a sip from her own glass.  “I met someone.”