Chapter Thirty

“You what?!”  Her sister’s voice rose at least two octaves in astonishment and disbelief.

Conversation around her stopped and every pair of eyes in the room turned toward her. Stephanie took a fortifying sip of her wine and looked at her sister, at the surprised and dismayed faces of her family.  Was she doing the right thing by telling them she had met someone?  They had endured so much change in such a short amount of time.  The hole left by losing Mark and Ben had barely begun to heal, and now she was dropping another bomb on them.  Was it fair?  

Was it fair not to tell them?

What did it mean that she wanted to tell them about Richie?  There had only been a few dates so far.  Nothing so serious that she couldn’t have kept this bit of information to herself for a bit longer.  But this was her family, she had never kept anything from them before, why start now?

Because after her trip to the cemetery this morning she was more sure of what she was going to let happen when she saw him again.

“I met someone” she repeated.

Silence.  She waited a beat and then all at once there were questions coming at her from four different directions.

“Who?”

“When?”

“Is it serious?”

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

The last question had her turning toward her sister.  She thought about Richie and all the times they had been together; the times he had just shown up, somehow knowing she had needed someone.  Was she ready for anything more?  She wouldn’t really know the answer to that question until she was face to face with him again, but after every time she pushed Richie away, how long would he wait around for her?  “I think so.  Things are moving very slow. He knows about Mark and Ben and he’s not pushing me for anything more then I’m ready to give.”  Not that he would, he’s too nice a guy to force me into doing anything.

She turned to face the rest of her family.  She was met with faces filled with uncertainty and worry.  “It’s not like we’re getting married or anything.  We’ve just gone out a few times.”   She took another sip of her wine.  “He’s a really great guy.”  She looked pointedly at her sister and sister-in-law.  “I’m pretty sure you’d like him.”

The girls eyed Stephanie.  There was something she wasn’t telling them.  Something she wasn’t sure she wanted them to know.  Jess spoke up first.  “Who is this mystery man?”

Stephanie smiled slyly and took a step toward the kitchen table that was laden with appetizers and holiday snacks and sweets.  “His name is Richie.”  She snagged a tiny piece of a baguette and dipped it into the seasoned olive oil.  “Richie Sambora.”

The fan girl in Jess and Marie squealed and crowded her at the table.  “Oh my God!  How did you meet him?”  “What’s he like?”  

She looked back at the rest of her family.   Her brother and brother-in-law wore shocked expressions and her parents just looked confused.  They had no idea who this Richie Sambora guy was.  She motioned for them all to sit around the table.

After explaining to her parents just who he was, she told them of how she kept running into him that first month she was out there, how things sort of spiraled into them going out a few times and how he had shown up on Thanksgiving night when she was having a near meltdown.

“I like him.  A lot.  But, honestly, it sort of scares me.  I’ve never had feelings for anyone other than Mark.  I never thought I would again.”  

Jess reached out and covered Stephanie’s hand with her own.  “It’s okay that you found someone else.  Mark didn’t expect you to be alone for the rest of your life did he?”

Stephanie shook her head.  “No, but I just didn’t expect to find someone else.”  Ever.

The kids surrounded the table then, clamoring for snacks and wondering when dinner was. They wanted to eat so they could get to the unwrapping present portion of the evening.   As the adults rose from the table Stephanie’s brother laid his hand on her shoulder.  “If this is what you really want, it’s okay.”  

She reached up and covered his hand with hers.  He had been 13 when she and Mark had gotten together.  Over the years Mark had been like a brother to him, introducing him to the wonders of rock and roll music, football and the Dallas Cowboys, the fun of learning how to drive.  Mark had even been the best man at his wedding.  He took the death of his brother-in-law almost as hard as she had.  These words coming from him had her eyes stinging.  “Thanks, Chris.  That means a lot.”

He hugged her briefly.  “I just want you to be happy.”

She gave him a watery smile and turned for the stairs.  She needed a minute to get herself together.   

She also wanted to make a phone call.

~

Richie swirled the deep crimson merlot in his glass as he stood listening to his mother and Ava chatter as they worked together in the kitchen.  Taking a step back, he turned to top off his glass before reconsidering and taking the bottle as he headed into the living room. Setting his glass on the mantle and the open bottle on the coffee table, he bent and lit the fire before moving to plug in the enormous Christmas tree that stood in the corner.

Picking up his glass once again he topped it off and took a deep swallow.  He couldn’t stop thinking about her.  Their call the night before had been one of the most intimate he’d had with a woman in a long time.  Even now, he was still humming that damn song.  He pulled his phone from his pocket, contemplating calling her.  With his thumb he flicked through his contacts until he got to her.  Then he noted the time and reconsidered.  She’d probably be having dinner right about now.  He sighed and, after one last glance at the picture of the two of them on her couch, he tucked the phone back in his pocket and filled his glass once again.   

He missed her something fierce.  He wasn’t used to this.

Joan saw him leave the kitchen with the bottle of wine in his hand.  After finishing up with Ava, she quietly followed him into the living room.  Standing in the doorway she watched him move about the room; watched him fill his glass and drink.  He seemed to be falling back on old habits.  She would hate for him to end up back where he was a few years ago, but he was a grown man, she couldn’t tell him what to do anymore.  

When he moved from the tree to the sliding glass doors he caught her reflection.  “Ma?”

She stepped further into the room.  “Are you all right?  You don’t seem yourself tonight.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I’m-” he cut himself off.  He couldn’t lie to his mother.  He sat down on the couch and motioned her to join him.  “Where’s Ava?”

Joan sat on the leather sofa.  “She went up to her room for something.  She’ll be down in a minute.”  She studied him again as he finished his wine.  “What’s going on with you?”

Setting his empty glass on the table he reached for the wine bottle again.  Feeling his mother’s eyes on him he left the glass and bottle and turned to face her.  “I met someone.”

Joan nodded.  “And?”  He “met someone” at least once a month lately it seemed.

“I know that look” he motioned to her face with his chin.  “This is different.  She’s different.”  With the wine loosening his tongue he told his mother about Stephanie and how they met and how slow things were moving with them and why.  “When I left you here on Thanksgiving night, I went to see her.”

Surprise registered on Joan’s face.  She had figured he went to his favorite watering hole or something.  Thinking back now, he was home too early for that and he hadn’t smelled like booze.  “Sounds like you have some serious feelings for this woman.”

He nodded and twisted the crucifix ring on his pinkie. “I do.”

“So why isn’t she here with you, with us, tonight?”

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He ignored it as he and his mother talked.  “She went back home to New York to visit her family for Christmas.  I’m going to see her for new years.”

A light went on for Joan.  Now she understood his mood today.  He wasn’t sad or upset.  He was lonely, missing this new woman that had come into his life.  She could understand the lonely and the missing.  She had often felt the same since she lost Adam.  “Why don’t you call her or text her or whatever it is you do to stay in touch these days.  Then maybe you can enjoy tonight instead of moping around like you have been for most of the day.”

He leaned in and kissed his mother on the cheek.  “Thanks.”  Just then they heard Ava coming toward the living room.  Joan stood.

“I’ll keep her busy in the other room.  If you’re serious about this new woman, you’ll need to tell her.”

Richie nodded as he dug his phone out of his pocket.  “I know and I will.”  He waited for Joan to leave the room before checking his messages.  

She had called him.

Twenty-Nine

Sleep had not come easy.  Even after talking with Richie and being in the comfort of her parent’s house she tossed and turned for most of the night.  Would she ever get a straight eight again? With a sigh of disgust she shoved the blankets back, grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom.

Wandering into the kitchen she found her father sitting at the table with the newspaper, her mother puttering around with preparations for later in the day.  She made a bee-line for the coffee pot.  “Morning” she mumbled as she pecked her mother on the cheek.  Adding sugar to her cup she sat opposite her father at the table and picked at a piece of danish she had snagged from the plate.

“Dad?”

He looked up from the paper, “what?”

“Can I borrow the car for a little bit this morning?”  She wanted, needed to go to the cemetery.

“Sure honey, but I can take you anywhere you want to go.”

Stephanie shook her head.  “I want to go to the cemetery this morning, by myself.  But thanks for offering.”

“Okay.  The keys are on the hook by the back door.”

Stephanie got up and put her cup in the dishwasher before hugging her father from behind.  “Thanks, dad.”

He patted her hand.  “You sure you want to go alone?  Your mother and I will go with you if you want us to.”

She looked at her mother, back at her father and then took a step toward the hall closet.  “I really need to do this alone.  I’ll be okay.”  She pulled on her coat and grabbed her boots from the tray by the door.  “I’ll be back before everyone gets here.”  She snagged her purse and the bag she had set by the chair in the family room and headed toward the garage before she could change her mind.  This really was something she needed to do on her own.

The cemetery was quiet this Christmas Eve morning.  She crept slowly around the winding lane, looking for the spot.  She had buried her guys under a tree; Mark hadn’t been a fan of the hot, summer days and she had figured the shady spot would be a good final resting place for him and Ben.

Buttoning up her coat and tightening her scarf, Stephanie grabbed the bag off the passenger seat and stepped out of her father’s car.  Carefully picking her way across the ice and snow, she stopped at the stone under the big, old oak tree.  For several long moments she just stood and stared at it, silently railing at God and the universe for her loss and the huge hole it had left in her heart.

Setting the bag down, she brushed the snow off the top and front of the double stone.  “Hi guys” she whispered.  “I bet you thought I forgot all about you.”  Crouching, she sniffled and brushed at the snow around the base of the stone.   She kept up a running stream of quiet conversation, “I didn’t forget.  I could never forget you.”  

She wiped her face with the sleeve of her coat.  “I sold the house.”  Standing she dug in her pocket for a tissue.  “I had to” she continued quietly.  “I couldn’t stand being there without you guys.”  She dropped to her knees.  “I moved to California.  I know that’s a long way from New York, but I needed the change of scenery.”   

Snow started to gently fall as she knelt there.  “I met someone” she murmured.   Her tears fell unheeded as she quietly poured out her heart to the man she had once loved so completely.  “He’s a good guy.”  She sniffed again before finally admitting, “I really like him.  A lot.”  Her guilt eased as she knelt there, her heart felt a little less heavy as she spoke. 

A car crept along the lane.  Stephanie blew her nose, drew in a shuddering breath and picked up the bag.  “I brought you something.  Not a wreath, I don’t know when I’ll get back here again and I didn’t want a Christmas wreath out here at Easter time.”  The rustle of the bag echoed in the quiet as she pulled the two items out.  “Besides, I’m pretty sure you’ll like these much better.”

Digging into the hard ground she managed to make two small holes.  In the first hole she put the Yankee pennant.  A generic football pennant went into the second hole.  She had them specially made with weatherproof material to withstand the elements.  “I know the football one is kind of plain, but if you two could have liked the same team it would have been much easier to pick one.” Mark had loved the Dallas Cowboys and Ben had been a New York Giants fan.  They had both loved the game, but couldn’t agree on the same team.

She stayed on her knees, quietly murmuring to Mark and Ben until the cold and wet seeped through the legs of her jeans.  Picking up the empty bag she rose to her feet.  She didn’t want to cry anymore, but it seemed the tears just wouldn’t stop.  “I don’t know when I’ll be back.”  She mopped her face with her soggy tissue.  “But know I loved you both so very much.  I’ll always carry you in my heart.”

Climbing back into her father’s car she sat for just a moment and looked over to the stone one last time.  Starting the car she turned the heater on and let it thaw her cold, wind-chapped cheeks.  As she drove slowly along the winding lane toward the entrance to the cemetery she felt more at peace than she had in nearly two years.

~

Holding her glass of wine Stephanie listened to the commotion at the front door.  Her sister and brother-in-law and the kids had finally arrived.  Her brother and sister-in-law and their girls had arrived an hour before and the girls’ excitement could be heard throughout the house. 

When a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind, she rested her head against her sister’s.  After her emotional morning, it was a comfort to have her family around her.  “Hey you.  How are you?”

Jess gave her a squeeze.  “I’m good skinny girl.”  She turned Stephanie around to face her.  “You look amazing.  California seems to be agreeing with you.”

Stephanie hugged Jess and walked with her toward the kitchen and the bottle of wine.  “You need to come out and check out California for yourself.  I’m not sorry I moved.”  She hesitated saying anything more and watched while her sister filled her wine glass.

Jess looked at her while she took a sip of the deep red cabernet.  “What?  You look like you’ve got more to say.”

Stephanie took a sip from her own glass.  “I met someone.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Stephanie sighed quietly as her father turned the minivan into the driveway.  The snow on the front yard was pristine white and glistened in the evening light.  The Maple and Mountain Ash trees were bare now, but in the spring and summer would keep the front of the house shaded and cool.  You could sit on the wide front porch with a glass of lemonade and watch the birds flit from tree to tree and not even break a sweat.  The porch was now decorated with a large wooden cut-out of Santa and his sleigh.  She couldn’t help the smile.  It was the same decoration that had been put out every year for the last 25 at least.

She looked up at the white, two-story colonial with its blue shutters and front door.  This was the house she had grown up in, the place of a million family get togethers, the place she had sought refuge in those first painful, awful days after losing Mark and Ben.

Lugging her suitcase up on the porch, she shook her head.  The dual wreaths hanging on the double front door had to be as old as she was, if not older.  Some things would never change.  Her smile widened when her mother opened the door.  She barely had a chance to get in the door and set her suitcase down when she was engulfed in her mother’s welcoming embrace.  “Hi mom.”  The slight wisp of her mother’s musk perfume mixed with the lingering scent of lemon pledge were as much of a comfort as her mother’s hug.  This was home.  Her emotions nearly got the better of her.  

Her mother stepped back, her own eyes wet, and looked her daughter up and down.  “How are you?  How was your flight?”

She shrugged out of her coat and toed off her boots, trying not to let her tears fall.  “It was long and uneventful.  Except for the extended layover in Chicago.  Darn snow.”

Her mother took her coat and her father tried to wrestle her suitcase up the stairs.  “Dad, leave it.  I can get it.”  Her father seemed to have aged a decade in the few months since she had seen him last and was in the beginning stages of Parkinsons.  He didn’t need to be hauling her suitcase up a flight of stairs.  He set the suitcase down.  “All right.  Come on and have something to eat at least.”

Her mother led her away from the door and into the kitchen.  “I saved some dinner for you.”  She put a plate of food in the microwave and set it to heating.  “Everyone will be here tomorrow.  Your sister wanted to come tonight but she had some last minute shopping to finish.”  

That was just like Jess.  Saving everything to the last minute.  She’d probably be up half the night wrapping everything too.

The microwave beeped and her mother set the plate on the table in front of her.  “Eat honey, you look so thin.”  

Stephanie picked up her fork, “I’m fine mom.  Been working out some, just to keep in shape.”  She took a bite of chicken.  She should probably weigh herself one of these days.  She had lost weight, she just didn’t know how much.

“Did the boxes I sent come?”

Her mother sat down at the table next to her.  “Everything is in the living room.  We didn’t open anything.  Your father figured you’d want to.  That and we had no idea if everything was wrapped or not.”

Stephanie got up and took her plate to the sink, rinsing it and putting it in the dishwasher.  “Everything is wrapped.  Let’s go see if any it will fit under the tree.”

After getting everything arranged in the living room dragged her suitcase up the stairs and closed herself in her old room.  

Stephanie sank down on the edge of the bed and looked around.  Her parents had changed her old bedroom into a guest room. Gone were the pale yellow wallpaper with the tiny white flowers and the two twin beds.  Now the room sported champagne colored walls and a bold burgundy and gold comforter on the new queen size bed.  Her old night table was still in the corner.  And it still held every volume of her collection of Sweet Valley High books she had read as a teen.  She was glad some things hadn’t changed.

Setting her suitcase on the stand at the end of the bed she dug out her old flannel pants and a sleep tank.  Crawling under the covers she curled up on her side and stared out the window at the dark, inky night.  The sadness nearly overwhelmed her at times.  Her heart had been heavy with it all day and now she couldn’t hold it in any longer.  

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she lay there.  Mark and Ben had been so much a part of her memories here.  She had lived in this house from the time she was 8, she met Mark at 16 and spent many afternoons and evenings in the family room, the kitchen, the living room.  There were even some stolen moments in this room.  Would she ever not miss them quite so much?

Her phone vibrated as she was reaching for a tissue.  She wiped her face and picked up the phone, a watery smile playing along her lips.

“Hey you.”

“Hey yourself sweetheart.  How are you?  How was your flight?”  He heard her quiet sniffle and the rustle of the blankets.  He hadn’t been sure he should call while she was home with her family, but after listening to her message a second time and hearing her now, he was glad he had followed his instincts.

“Sweetheart?”  She had yet to answer him.

She sniffed once more.  “My flight was fine.  Got held up in Chicago, but it’s
winter, I half expected it.”

As glad as he was that she got home safely, he was more worried now about how she was.  “Sweetheart, I can hear you’ve been crying.  Talk to me.  Tell Richie what has you all upset.”

She sucked in a ragged breath.  “It’s just hard being here, a difficult time of year for me.  The memories just...” she trailed off.  “Don’t worry, Rich.  I’ll be okay.”  She would too she determined.  She wasn’t going to spend her week home in misery.  She sucked in another breath.  “How are you?  How was your trip?  How’s the jet lag?”

They talked for a while.  He told her of all the places he had been, the few sights he had been able to see, the amazing shows they had had the privilege of playing for the greatest fans in the world.  He made her forget for just a little while that she was alone.

“Rich?”  She got out of bed and stood by the windows.  The moon was shining high in the night sky.

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“Can you see the moon from where you are?”

He got up off the couch and stepped out onto his patio.  “I can now.”

“Me too.”

Standing out on his patio the words to a song came to mind and he sang them quietly to her while they were staring up at the same moon together.

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

She smiled.  He hand known exactly what she had been thinking.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome sweetheart.  You get some sleep and I’ll call you again.”

She crawled back into bed and set her phone on the night table wondering if he really knew just how much it meant that he had known exactly what she had needed tonight.