Chapter Forty-Two

Setting her mug down on the arm of the chair, Stephanie stood and paced the deck, the redwood cool under her bare feet.  She paced, waiting for her phone to ring, hoping her late night plea hadn’t gone unheard.

She shook her head as she paced.  She was so embarrassed at the way she ran out on Richie last night.  She should probably call him and try to explain, but what could she tell him?  She wouldn’t even know where to begin.  Sitting on the couch with him after Ava had disappeared had filled her with such an overwhelming feeling of insecurity about who she was she could hardly breathe.  All she could think about was getting out of there, getting away to try to figure out what the hell she was doing.

She stopped pacing and picked up her phone.  Still nothing.  If she was feeling so insecure about herself and her place in the world now, how could she be in a relationship with anyone, let alone someone as amazing and wonderful as Richie?

Her phone started to buzz in her hand.  She glanced down, hoping it was Dr. Grace and not Richie.  Maybe after she talked to her therapist she might have the words to explain to Richie what had had her running scared.

Sinking down into the chair she touched the screen.  “Hi Dr. Grace.  Thanks for getting back to me, and on a Sunday no less.”

Dr. Grace settled more comfortably in her chair.  She had taken an instant liking to the woman on the other end of the phone.  Her situation had tugged at her heart and she wanted nothing more than to help Stephanie find her way to true happiness again.  “You know you can call me any time, Stephanie.  Besides, you sounded so lost last night, I couldn’t not call.  Tell me what’s going on.  What happened?”

Staring out at the trees that lent shade and privacy to her yard, she explained to the good doctor all that had been going on since she had moved.  “The man I’m dating has a daughter and I met her last night.  That’s when it finally hit me that I’m not a mother or a wife anymore. The two things that were such a huge part of who I was are gone and I started to feel unsure about who I am and what I’m doing now.”  So much so that she ran out on Richie and now she was equally unsure about what he was going to say once she finally got the nerve to call him.

Dr. Grace listened not only to the words her patient was saying, but she also listened to the tone, the inflection and what she wasn’t saying.

When she finally finished her recitation Dr. Grace stayed quiet, mulling everything over.

Stephanie got impatient.  “Well?”

“Hmm,” Dr. Grace muttered.  “What do you do when you aren’t at work?”

Stephanie got up and paced again.  What did that have to do with anything?  “I read, maybe watch television, listen to music.  Surf the web, email with my girlfriends.  Why?”

Just as she suspected.  “What did you do before you lost Mark and Ben?”

Stephanie paced back to her chair, took a sip from her mug and grimaced.  Her tea had gone cold.  “I don’t know.  A lot of things I guess.”  She paced from the chair to the railing and back again.  “Why?”

Dr. Grace smiled slightly, “you were more than just a mother and a wife, weren’t you?”  She shuffled some papers and opened the file that was on her desk.  “You had interests outside of Mark and Ben if I recall.  You were involved in” she paused and shifted her notes around.  “There was a literacy program you were involved with, Habitat for Humanity, the story hour at the library.”

Stephanie sat back down and sighed.  “Yeah, I was.  So what?”

“I think you need to find something to involve yourself in out there.  You’re spending too much time alone, new man in your life regardless, that you’re dwelling on what was and not what could or might be.”  Dr. Grace was afraid if she didn’t find something to do, she might never stop grieving.  “You found a new job, made a couple of new friends and even met a man.”

Stephanie nodded.  “And?”

Dr. Grace smiled, “and those are all good things, but you need something more. Something that was wholly separate from Mark and Ben, something that will keep you moving forward and moving on.”  She softened her tone.  “I know it was devastating for you when Mark and Ben died, and while they were the most important part of your life, they weren’t the only things in your life.”

Stephanie and Dr. Grace talked for a while longer and after they hung up Stephanie stared out at the line of trees in her yard.  Would it really make a difference if she involved herself in those activities again?  She shrugged.  But, what would it hurt to make a few calls and find out what was out there?  

Picking up her phone and her mug she went back into the house.  She needed to call Richie before she made any other calls.  She headed up the stairs.  But first, she was going to work up a good, healthy sweat and try to figure out what. to say to Richie.

~

Standing on the front porch Richie leaned back and checked the driveway.  Yep, her car was there.  He rang the doorbell again.  So why wasn’t she answering the door?  He wasn’t mad at her for running out on him, just curious as to what was going on in her head that had her so upset and bolting out of his arms and his house like a scared rabbit.

He waited another minute before fishing her key out of his pocket.  He hadn’t returned it to the flower pot after the last time he used it.

Letting himself in, he toed off his shoes and cocked his head.  What was that music?  He followed it up the stairs.  Stopping in the doorway he watched her move across the floor in some sort of latin dance move.  He was intrigued.

Feeling eyes on her, Stephanie finished the routine and turned toward the door.  “I’m almost done.”  She didn’t dwell on the fact that he was here.  She should have known he’d come looking for her instead of waiting for a phone call.

He waved her back to her spot.  “I’m not going anywhere.”  He stepped into the room and, with his back against the wall he slid down to sit on the floor.  “Finish.”

After salsa-ing and cha cha-ing her way through the last song, P!nk took her through her cool down and final stretch.  Shutting the music off she picked up her water bottle and slowly made her way to where Richie sat on the floor.  “Hi.”

He patted the floor next to him.  “What was that you were doing?”  She could probably rival Tico on the dance floor with those salsa hips she had been swinging.

Taking a drink she dropped down to the floor next to him.  “It’s called Zumba.  A kind of aerobics done to latin flavored music.  It’s a lot of fun.  It also helped me to lose quite a bit of weight when I first started doing it.”

He looked her up and down and found it hard to believe she had ever been heavier.  It didn’t matter though and that’s not why he was here now.  “You ran out on me last night.”

Draining her water bottle she tossed it toward the trash before raising her eyes to meet his.  “I know.  I’m sorry.”

He picked up her hand and tangled his fingers with hers.  “Why?”

And there was the sixty-four million dollar question.

She glanced down at their hands.  “It really hit home last night with you and Ava that I’m not ‘mom’ to anyone anymore.”  She lifted her head and her eyes met his, “that I never will be again.”

He tugged her closer so their bodies touched from shoulder to hip.  “I guess I shouldn’t have pushed for you two to meet.”

She shook her head and angled herself around so that their legs tangled together and she could see his face.  She wasn’t going to let him blame himself for her meltdown.  “No.  I wanted to meet her.  I didn’t realize just how hard it would be, but I’m glad you asked me.  She’s wonderful and if we are going to continue seeing each other, I need to be able be be around both of you without becoming a total nutcase.”

He squeezed her fingers, “but you weren’t ready.  I shouldn’t have pushed the issue.”

Stephanie thought about what she and Dr. Grace had talked about.  “Maybe I needed to be pushed.  If I don’t do the hard things, I’ll never move on.  I need to learn to handle these situations or I’ll never get past the hurt and the pain.”  She leaned in, kissing him lightly.  “You need to stop worrying about me so much.  You have enough other things going on in your life, you don’t need to be shouldering my issues too.  I’m working on things and I’m going to be fine.”  As she said the words, she realized, for the first time, she actually meant them.  She really would be fine.

Releasing her fingers, his hands went to her waist, hauling her closer until she straddled his lap.  “You can’t tell me not to worry, cause it ain’t gonna happen.  I worry about the people I care about.  And Sweetheart, I care about you.  Very much.”  

He kissed her then, tenderly, not looking for anything other than the comfort and the indescribable connection that seemed to come so easily between them.  When her stomach rumbled loudly between them they separated with a quiet laugh.  “Sounds like somebody’s hungry.”

Stephanie crawled off his lap and stood, holding out her hand to him.  “Come on, I’m just going to take a quick shower and then I’ll make us some lunch.”

Taking her hand and with only a few creaks and a groan he hauled himself off the floor and to his feet.  Letting her hand go, he trailed his fingers lightly up her arm.  “You need someone to wash your back?”

Taking his hand once more, she stepped out the door and, instead of turning left and heading to the stairs, she turned to the right, toward her bedroom.

Chapter Forty-One

Sitting at the table across from Ava and next to Richie was all too familiar. This was how she Mark and Ben used to arrange themselves at the dinner table.     She picked up her fork and took a bite of the flaky fish.  Swallowing around the lump in her throat was nearly impossible.  Listening to Ava go on about her friends and the activities coming up on her calendar were just one more reminder of what she was missing out on.

Picking up her glass she sipped at the wine Richie had poured for her.  He always seemed to have her favorite on hand.

“Daddy, can you drop me at Kelly’s tomorrow instead of at mom’s?”

Stephanie glanced across the table, her heart clenching at the innocent question.  She was no one’s parent anymore.

“Why, and does your mother know?”  Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Stephanie’s expression and, like that one rainy afternoon in her kitchen, he reached out his pinky finger and wrapped it around hers.

Ava tucked her hair behind her ear and rolled her eyes.  “Yes mom knows.  Kelly and I have a project to finish for school.”

The near exasperation in her tone eased some of the pressure in Stephanie’s chest and nearly caused her to smile.  Apparently if you were a parent, rock star or not, you just didn’t get it.  She shook her head and set her glass back down.

“What?”  Richie had turned his attention from Ava to her and didn’t miss the amused expression on her face.

“Ben used to use that tone with us too.”  This time she did smile.  “Teenagers are all the same, no matter where you live, I guess.”

Richie smiled back.  “I guess.”  He glanced down at her plate.  “Is your dinner okay, you haven’t eaten much.”

Stephanie picked up her fork again, color rising on her cheeks.  “Everything’s great.”  She took another tiny bite of fish.  “I didn’t realize you were such a good cook.”

He shrugged, “I get by.”  He looked over to Ava, “right?”

“Yup” she agreed.  “He makes a mean marinara too.  Oh, but just watch out for his chili.  He likes it flamin’ hot and he puts too many beans in it.”

Stephanie chuckled.  “Thanks for the warning.  I’ll be sure to keep the fire extinguisher close by for the chili.”

Ava laughed and continued to chatter like a magpie, asking her all kinds of questions about Ben and Mark and about living in New York.   All the while Richie’s hand never left hers.  With that little bit of contact, her emotions evened out and she was able to eat her dinner and answer their questions.

“Did Ben like sports?”  Ava picked up the plates and headed toward the sink.  “I used to play soccer.  I cheerlead now.”

Stephanie nodded and opened the dishwasher.  “Baseball, basketball and football were his favorites.  He played baseball for his school and” she turned and looked pointedly at Richie.  “He played basketball for the CYO.”  She knew he would know what that was.  If she remembered right from watching Access All Areas, he mentioned playing at a CYO dance when he was interviewed during the New Jersey tour. 

Richie gave her a knowing wink.  “That’s a great youth organization.  I played a little myself.  Was Ben any good?”

They continued to clear the table and put the leftovers away as they talked.  “He did all right.  He was a little tentative but he had skills.  He was a good rebound guy.”  She finished her wine.  “Baseball was really his game though.”  She smiled sadly.  “He loved nothing more than going out in the back yard with Mark and having a catch or getting in a little batting practice.” 

Richie rubbed his hand lightly up and down her arm and refilled their wineglasses.  “What was his favorite team?”

“The New York Yankees.”  She sipped her wine.  “Robinson Cano was his favorite player.  He aspired to be just like him.”  Now she would never know if there was even the slightest chance he could have worn those famed pinstripes.

Between the three of them the dishes were done and the kitchen set to rights in no time.  Ava begged off to her room.  “I’m gonna go watch a movie.  It was nice to meet you, Stephanie.”

Stephanie found a smile for the girl.  She may look like her mother, but she was just as charming as her father.  “It was nice to meet you too.  I hope we get to see each other again soon.”  She watched as Ava turned and walked away, her long-legged stride much like that of her fathers.

“She’s lovely” Stephanie said to Richie as she sat down next to him on the couch.  “You’re doing a great job with her.”

Like the proud papa that he was, Richie puffed out his chest and grinned.  “Thanks.  It’s not easy, but then again, no one ever said raising a child would be.”

“No” she said as she set her glass on the end table, “no one ever did.”  She watched as he pressed a button on the remote to start the fireplace.  She stared into the blue-orange flames, her thoughts a million miles away.

Richie watched her.  He could see the shadows under her eyes and the frown lines around her mouth.  She had put on a brave face tonight for him and he was glad for it, but at what price?  Dredging up all those memories had to be killing her inside.  He reached out and fingered a lock of her hair.  He wished he could take all that hurt away.  “Sweetheart?”

Blinking slowly, she turned her head and looked at him, a hint of blush coloring her cheeks.  “Sorry, zoned out there for a minute.”

“Are you all right?”

His concern for her was written all over his face.  She shook her head slowly, upset with herself for making him worry about her.  He didn’t need this.  He was leaving in a few days to go back on tour.  He didn’t need to have her issues weighing on him.  She picked up his hand from where it rested on her arm and kissed the back of it.  “I should go” she said as she stood and nearly ran from the room. 

She had the door open and was digging for her keys when he caught her.  “Sweetheart” he stopped her with a hand over hers.  “Talk to me.”

She shook her head, she couldn’t.  “Please Rich. I just.. I need to go.”  Her fingers closed over her keys and she pulled away from him. 

He stood in the doorway and watched her drive off.  “What the hell just happened?”

~

Pulling off into the parking area she guided her car to an empty spot closes to the opening in the concrete barrier.  Leaving her shoes in the car she stepped onto the cool sand, spreading out her blanket in a pool of moonlight.  She watched the waves curl onto the sand and sweep back out into the endless ocean. 

Staring out into the night she finally let the tears that she had been holding back all evening come.  She wasn’t a mother anymore, she wasn’t a wife anymore.  With the two things that had defined her for so many years gone, what was left?  Who was she now? 

Wiping her face with the back of her hand she dug her phone out of her pocket.  Scrolling through her contacts she pressed the button for the one number she thought she was done calling.  When she got the familiar voice mail nearly hung up, but thinking of Richie she quickly changed her mind.

“Dr. Grace, it’s Stephanie.  I need to talk.  Please?”